Sincerely, Your Barista

I work as a part time barista at a popular coffee shop. It’s a fun job, but sometimes there are things I wish-a-wish I could calmly tell certain customers. Instead of letting my frustrations grow & fester inside me until the stench of them is too much to bear & I end up throwing your COFFEE IN YOUR FACE YOU LIT—let me try that sentence again (wide open spaces, serenity now, baby steps, etc). Instead of letting my frustrations take hold of me, I will use my loverly little blog to write short letters to those customers.

Dear Coffee Connoisseur,

When you go to put a packet of sugar in your coffee, what exactly happens? Are you suddenly transported into some kind of crazy dream world in which wild flying monkeys are trying to tear your limbs off & the only way to escape their wrath is to pour creamer all over the counter, take 10 minutes to do so, & then see if you can get at lease one granule of sugar into your coffee cup before that big purple one gets your right arm? I’m really trying to understand why there is so much sugar & half’n’half on the counter instead of in your cup, really, that’s all. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Sincerely,

Your Barista


Dear Coffee Connoisseur,

It really is a fun thing that we have trivia & quotes up on our menu board isn’t it? I know I enjoy it. And I’m perfectly fine with you taking a second or two to think of an answer to the question or read whatever funny/inspiring quote one of my lovely co-workers wrote. However, I must ask you to be considerate of the people behind you in line. If there is a line that is, say, almost out the door, & you are standing there, gawking, with your mouth open, not saying anything, I sometimes don’t understand what is going on & the people behind you in line get a bit…testy. So please, take a second or two to find an answer or soak in the inspirational words of Mr. Suess, but then place your order & move on so that those behind you can get their fix. Oh, & if you blurt out “ELEPHANTS!” with no reference to the fact that you were answering a question, please don’t be surprised if one of us (tired) baristas suddenly states, “WHERE?!”

Sincerely,

Your Barista


Dear Coffee Connoisseur,

Do you really want to know how early I get here every day? Or do you just like to rub it in?

Sincerely,

Your Barista


Dear Coffee Connoisseur,

I must apologize, when you said, “hot latte with skim milk, vanilla & no froth” I thought you meant “hot latte with skim milk, vanilla & no froth”! My bad. Here’s your strawberry smoothie!

Sincerely,

Your Barista


Dear Coffee Connoisseur,

It is pronounced, “La-tay”. Not, “late” or “lattle” (I can understand “late” but where’d you get the L?!) Also, inside of this latté is ESpresso. I don’t know what EXpresso is & I don’t want to know, thankyouverymuchly.

Sincerely,

Your Barista


Dear Coffee Connoisseur,

It is so kind of you to pick up the coffee for your business meeting! You’re going to make those co-workers extremely happy & indebted to you today. However, it does indeed take more than 5 minutes to brew a couple fresh & delicious gallons of coffee for you & your homies (as well as making sure there is enough coffee for those coming to get their daily dose). It may even take up to…TEN! minutes. I am sorry that makes you curse & go into convulsions 😦

Sincerely,

Your Barista


Dear Coffee Connoisseur,

Yes, it’s a mocha. Yes, it’s sans whipped cream. Yes, it’s a small. Yes, it’s yours. Yes, I did call out all of those things loudly three times while you stared out the window. Yes, I am sorry you’re going to be late.

Sincerely,

Your Barista


Dear Coffee Connoisseur,

Oh, HI! I must say, you sometimes stand awful close. I don’t mind you watching to make sure I make your drink correctly, but this is technically what we would call “behind the counter”. And no, you can’t put the caramel on your drink back here…that’s why I gave you a weird look when you grabbed it out of my hand.

Sincerely,

Your Barista


Dear Coffee Connoisseur,

That wasn’t your drink. There were three people standing in the pick-up line before you even got there. Remember when you blindly took the first drink that showed up without listening to what it was? That’s why your double-espresso tasted like that child’s hot chocolate.

Sincerely,

Your Barista


Dear Majority of Coffee Connoisseurs,

I love you. Not only are you the reason I get a paycheck, but many of you smile & treat others with joyful words & great respect every stinkin’ day (more than I can say of myself) & so I appreciate & applaud you for your kindness & your love of the Great Beans. It’s only about %10 of you that make me want to curl up in a ball & scream until the human race is…fixed.

Sincerely,

Your Barista


And now it’s your turn, if you wish. What are your ‘Dear Barista’ letters?

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Sincerely, Your Barista

  1. Dan Davis says:

    Every job I’ve had warrants many letters like this. It really helps to be in the shoes of others to see what it’s like and why you should be patient. Unfortunately, the people who most appreciate a proper viewpoint are the the ones least in need of knowing how to treat others decently.

  2. Dan Davis says:

    Might I add that this was no less entertaining than any other one of your entries.

  3. krdugan says:

    Thanks?

  4. krdugan says:

    That’s more LIKE IT!

    🙂

  5. Karlee says:

    One time when I worked at a coffee shop this girl asked for a decaf with two shots of espresso…then asked if she could also get that decaf. I just smiled and made her a dark roast with half of it filled with hot water and called it a day, you idiot Ugg wearing teacup poodle dressing skankerdoodle.

  6. srdugan says:

    Dear Barista,

    I dearly love and sincerely appreciate both your profession and your product. I do, however, have one request, (not to you, specifically, of course. But to the essence of barista which inhabits many forms in myriad locations).

    If your owner or chain decides to select names derived from foreign languages for their products or sizes in which said products are offered, please don’t be baffled, bewildered and befuddled when actual speakers of those languages pronounce them the way they should be pronounced and not in the gringofied manner in which they have come to be known. And please, please don’t look at the customer as though he were the ignorant immigrant because you couldn’t understand him when
    he said “venti”.

    thank you for helping me get that off my chest. 😉

  7. Karen says:

    I will always smile at my barista and take whatever they hand me because no I never want to get up that early, yell drinks while looking at someone dazed out or see someone get so antsy waiting for a gallon of coffee. Thank you for a great chuckle this morning! Thanks to N for sending me here too!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: